Regrets
by Cerih
Summary: Jack has returned to Cardiff. Ianto has regrets, Jack is clueless and Tosh is there for both of them. Spoilers for KKBB. Ianto/Jack; Ianto/Tosh and Jack/Tosh friendships.


Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood.

Author's notes: I've wanted to write something on Jack and Ianto's first date for some time now. I guess it's one of those moments in canon that most authors end up covering at some point or another. Anyway, this was not quite what I had in mind, but now that it's written I quite like it.

Dedicated to my two partners in crime, Gmariam and Darcy58, who have had to listen to me talk about this story for weeks now.

As always, a huge thanks to Darcy58 for betaing this story!

*quietly hides under the table*

* * *

Regrets

He never thought Captain Jack Harkness would ask him out on a date. But Jack had done so.

He had always known he would accept, because really, what else was he supposed to say. So he had said yes.

He never thought the principal emotion he felt in anticipation of the date would be regret. But it was. He regretted saying yes.

In Jack's absence, he had tried to move on. He had had both male and female lovers in the hope that one of them might be able to offer him what he needed. While they had satisfied his need for human contact, he was left unfulfilled in a way that had nothing to do with physical urges. He missed the intimacy. He missed the trust. He missed being bared and exposed as he was with Jack in a way that again had nothing to do with the physical act of lovemaking. When they were together in bed, he could hide nothing from Jack. He wanted to hide nothing from Jack. And that was what he missed. That feeling that Jack could see all of him and that he accepted all of him.

He never found that with anyone else. Then again, half the time he could not remember the name of the person he was undressing.

"Jack asked me out," Ianto said out of the blue.

"What?" Tosh all but squealed. "When?"

They were sitting in her living room, enjoying a glass of red wine in the aftermath of the chaos Captain John Hart has left in his wake. This had become a habit of theirs over the months when Jack was gone. They relaxed together after trying days, chatting quietly or sometimes just sitting in comfortable silence. They often took turns to cook dinner in Tosh's well-stocked but rarely used kitchen, but tonight they were content to just have wine. A deep bond of friendship had been forged during the times of quiet companionship; one they both treasured. It was reassuring for them to have someone they could talk to with utter honesty about everything they saw in the course of their work. Considering the things they had been through together, they no longer had any reason to keep secrets from one another.

The corner of Ianto's mouth was now twitching as he took in his friend's excitement.

"While we were looking for the radiation cluster bomb in that office building. Only Jack would think to combine attempting to avert a major disaster with romantic overtures." Ianto rolled his eyes at the memory.

"So was it romantic?" Tosh demanded, all but bouncing on the sofa.

"More awkward, to be honest," Ianto replied. "I don't think Jack has asked anyone out for quite some time. And I don't think I've ever been asked out before, certainly not by a man, so he caught me by surprise. So all in all, awkward."

"What has he got planned for you two?"

"He was talking about a dinner and a movie, the usual." Ianto shrugged.

Tosh searched his face for a long while and whatever she found there made her frown.

"You are not as excited about this as I would have expected," she remarked.

Ianto's only response was a rueful chuckle. He got up long enough to retrieve Tosh's laptop from the dining room table and returned to the sofa with it. Once the computer had powered up, he logged into the Hub's secure network and accessed the CCTV feeds. He found the clip he was looking for easily, as he had already watched it many times over.

"I came across this by accident," he said as he passed the laptop over.

The voices captured were tinny, but still audible. Thanks to some recent upgrades on their surveillance system, the cameras had captured every emotion on the faces of Jack and Gwen as they had talked in the corridor. Tosh watched the clip, her eyes gradually widening as the implications dawned on her.

"Ianto," she started to speak but he cut her off.

"Once you put Jack asking me out into a wider context, it shouldn't be hard to imagine why I'm perhaps not as excited as I ought to be."

Tosh laid a hand on his arm, not needing to voice her sympathy. After a moment's silence, she asked:

"What are you going to do?"

"The only thing I can do." Ianto shrugged. "As hard as it may be to believe, I do have some shreds of pride left."

"Well, I'm here for you, always." Tosh smiled sadly.

"I know," he said, his hand covering hers on his arm. "Thank god for you, Tosh."

They shared a smile full of understanding, each finding comfort in the other's presence. It seemed that no matter how much sorrow they bore, there was a fresh source waiting just around the corner. At least they could now turn to each other.

The following morning Ianto was in the Hub early, as always, but he was moving around a little gingerly. He regretted having said yes to that last glass of wine. He was not hung over as such, but too much red wine tended to give him a head ache the morning after. Staying up late, he and Tosh had talked about everything and nothing, and he sincerely hoped that she at least would have the good sense to come in a little later. There was nothing urgent requiring her attention first thing in the morning.

The early hours of the morning were always the most productive for Ianto. He got a great deal done before the others arrived and started distracting him. By the time he saw the lights come on in Jack's office, his head ache was almost gone and he was feeling generally better about the day ahead. Anticipating Jack's needs, he headed for the coffee machine.

When Ianto walked in with a steaming cup of strong coffee, Jack was making an unenthusiastic beginning on all the paperwork that had accumulated on his desk during his absence. He brightened visibly at the sight of Ianto; or it could have been the prospect of coffee that cheered him up.

"Ah, Ianto, you're a life saver!" Jack exclaimed and eagerly reached for the hot mug.

"Morning, Sir." Ianto nodded. "Let me know when you need a refill. I thought I'd spend the day in the archives, unless anything urgent comes up."

"Thanks, Ianto," Jack said. Ianto had almost reached the door when he spoke again:

"Hey, Ianto?"

Ianto turned around, hand on the door frame, and raised an eyebrow in query.

"So I was thinking, Rift permitting, that we could catch a late dinner tonight and the last showing of a film? If there's anything good showing, of course."

While Jack spoke, Ianto approached his desk slowly, until his finger tips just skimmed the polished surface. He regarded Jack for a long while before finally responding:

"About that. I don't think it would be wise."

"Great!" Jack said, before he realised that Ianto had not agreed with his plans. "Wait, what?"

"I changed my mind," Ianto said evenly. "I don't think a date would be a good idea."

"Why not?" Jack asked, now thoroughly confused.

"Because I would regret going out with you."

Even as he spoke, Ianto winced inwardly at the way his words sounded. Still, he was tired of the lies that had always surrounded their relationship, assuming that there was enough between them to even call it a relationship.

"Why do you think you'd regret it?" Jack whispered.

"Because I can't go there with you, not again," Ianto replied quietly. "It took a long time for me to feel okay after you left and I'm not ready to lose that."

"Look, I'm sorry I left like that, but…" Jack started apologising, but Ianto raised his hand to stop him.

"It's not about you leaving, or at least it's not just about you leaving. It's everything; you, me, Torchwood. I just can't do it. I'll be your butler, your office manager, your archivist, your colleague. I'll even be your friend. But I can't be your lover."

"Is there someone else?" Jack asked, tone carefully neutral.

"You are a tough act to follow, Sir." Ianto let out a hollow laugh.

"That doesn't exactly answer my question," Jack pointed out.

"No, there's no one."

"I don't understand," Jack asked, somewhat perplexed.

"It doesn't matter." Ianto gave him a rueful smile. "Because I finally do."

With a nod he walked out, leaving Jack deep in thought with a cooling mug of coffee by his side.

It was early evening when Jack emerged from one of the tunnels and headed towards Tosh's work station.

"Hey Tosh, have you seen Ianto?" he asked. "I think he said he was going to spend the day in the archives, but he's not there and I can't seem to find him."

"He's gone for the day. He came in early and I think he still had a head ache from last night." Tosh glanced at Jack, but continued de-bugging one of her Rift programmes.

"What happened last night?" Jack queried.

"He was at my place." Tosh shrugged. "We talked until late."

"Ah, so you can probably tell me why he cancelled our date." Jack looked hopeful.

"Yes, yes I could," Tosh said, saving her work and opening up another file filled with equations.

"Are you going to tell me?" Jack prompted her when she said nothing further.

"I'm sorry to say this Jack, but sometimes you really are an idiot." Tosh let out an exasperated huff.

"A little harsh, but okay," he agreed. "Not sure what I've missed now?"

"Ianto looks after the whole Hub," she explained slowly. "He knows everything that goes on in here."

"So?" He still did not see what Tosh was getting at.

"So… You and Gwen, in the corridor…" Tosh trailed off as Jack finally understood. She saw a brief flash of anger in his eyes.

"He was watching us?"

"Of course he wasn't watching you." Tosh rolled her eyes. "He came across the CCTV clip later on, after you had already asked him out. According to him, it provided useful context."

"It's not what he thinks," Jack rushed to explain.

"Isn't it?" Tosh raised an eyebrow. "Look, you clearly don't know what, or rather who, you want. Ianto does. Please respect his choices."

"I need to talk to Ianto, to explain myself," he said. "But I don't know where to find him. His car is still here, so he couldn't have gone far."

"I think you should let him be, for now at least." Tosh's tone was carefully neutral.

"You know where he is, don't you?" Jack's eyes narrowed.

"Yes."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"No."

"But you are going to go to him yourself, aren't you?" Jack guessed.

"Yes."

"I could follow you, you know," Jack pointed out.

"You could," she agreed, "but you're not going to."

"How do you know?" Jack was curious, although he did not deny the truth in her statement.

"Because you know I'm right," she stated simply. Jack was about to reply, but she indicated that he should wait.

"If you do decide that you want him and only him," she continued with a stern glare, "then you need to give him time. Besides, Ianto deserves more than to be your second choice."

"Ianto has never been," Jack started to protest, but this time he stopped himself. "Okay, I do see how it might look that way, but in all honesty, he's not a second choice."

He raked a hand through his hair as he paced in front of Tosh.

"I just get so caught up with Gwen, I flirt too much and…" A gentle hand on his arm interrupted his rushed words.

"You don't have to explain to me," she said, "to Ianto, maybe, but not to me."

"I want to explain," he agreed. "I need to make things right."

"You can do that by first giving him time. And while he's getting used to the idea that you're back, you should figure out what you truly want and then act accordingly."

"Okay." Jack nodded.

"Okay." Tosh smiled.

"You'll make sure that he's okay, won't you?" Jack checked.

"Yes, I will," she reassured him as she got up and grabbed her purse.

"Thanks Tosh," he said with unusual solemnity.

"What for?" She frowned in confusion.

"For being such a good friend for Ianto."

"Oh, Jack." Her smile widened as she gave him a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. "Don't forget that I'm your friend too."

"Yes, but you're on his side," he quickly pointed out, trying to hide how much Tosh's heartfelt words affected him.

"No, I'm not," she said, shaking her head. "I just help both of you to make sense of things."

"And you do it very well," Jack smiled and placed a kiss on her temple. "Have a good night."

"You too, Jack," she replied as she headed for the door.

Jack loved his rooftops. Ianto, too, had somewhere he liked to go when he needed to think undisturbed. He walked south from the Plass, through the Landsea Gardens all the way to the Panorama Stone. He stood right on the edge of the path, the dark sea opening up before him. The wind blowing from the sea froze him to the core, but it could never compare to the chill that resided in him.

The sound of footsteps approaching him pulled Ianto from his thoughts. There was no need to turn around to see who it was; only Tosh treaded that lightly. She stopped by his side, wrapping her thin coat around herself to ward off the bracing wind.

"Jack is looking for you," she said after a while.

"Let him look."

"I asked him to give you time." She looked at Ianto as she spoke, trying to see past the mask of dispassion that he wore far too often. Then his eyes flicked to hers and she realised that the mask was off. He looked utterly serene.

"Good." He nodded. "Thank you."

"Jack loves you," Tosh assured him.

Her statement elicited a rueful smile from him as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"No," he whispered against her hair, "no, he doesn't."

There was sorrow in his voice, but also acceptance. Perhaps one day his self-control would break and he would go back to Jack. But today was not that day.


End file.
